Tag Archives: vulnerability

Friendship Growth Cycle

Invisible boundaries; Are there such things? Not the awkward social kind that some people like to poop on, but the invisible limitations on the strength or length of a friendship.

What do you do when you think you have hit one of these limits? Press on? Pull back? What creates the limit? Are they permanent, and based on universal incompatibilities between two people?

A friendship is a relationship of enjoyment and trust between two people, right? Of course right.

If you have a friendship based only in enjoyment of the other persons company/personality, but you don’t share any trust between you, then no kind of intimacy can ever grow. Without any kind of trust and intimacy, the friendship is only going to ever be shallow and on the surface level. You have now reached the current limit of your friendship.

FriendshipCrap - Graph01On this graph I happened to have lying around, you can see the same thing goes for if you have a friendship based solely on trust. You might trust this person completely, but if you don’t actually enjoy being around them, then the friendship is boring.

So here is my dilemma, what if you have a friendship that has a great level of enjoyment which is continuing to grow, however the growth towards trust has stalled.

Maybe a new level of trust was extended, but someone breached that somehow. You pull back for a minute, maybe you’re a little hurt.

FriendshipCrap - Graph02You re-evaluate your friendship… is the level of enjoyment worth pursuing the trust again? How much trust are you willing to put forward?

Are some friendships supposed to not grow beyond a certain level? Who sets the level? Is it subconsciously mutual?

Surely the more trust you share with someone, the more you get to know them, and then the more you enjoy about them? So a friendship should be self perpetuating, it should continue to grow of its own accord, shouldn’t it?

Yes and no. The friendship scale isn’t one dimensional; there are at least 5 graphs that could be charted based only on trust as an example:

  1. Actual Outgoing – (The level of trust I extend towards you.)
  2. Perceived Outgoing – (The level of trust you think I extend towards you.)
  3. Actual Incoming – (The level of trust you actually extend towards me.)
  4. Perceived Incoming – (The level of trust I think you extend towards me.)
  5. The overall level of trust in the relationship. (The other 4 combined and overlayed)

The same goes for the enjoyment, there’s the actual enjoyment for each person, and the perceived enjoyment for each person. I may think that you enjoy my company more then you actually do.

I might be afraid of that. This insecurity will lower my enjoyment of your company, no matter if its true or not. So you see the perceived level of trust and enjoyment plays a big role in the overall friendship.

– – – – – – – –

So although the start of a friendship will grow under its own power, its when it hits some sort of limitation that you have to choose if you will let it stagnate there.

If you’ve reached your current max level of enjoyment of someone, in order to grow the relationship further, you have to choose to purposefully look for things that you enjoy about who the person is, and what they are like.

On a low level of intimacy, maybe its something as shallow as liking their accent.

If your friendship is closer it might be something more personal like the way they tilt their head ever so slightly when they’re confused. Or the sparkle in their eyes when they think of something funny.

If your friendship is lacking trust, what can you do to make yourself more trustworthy? How can you forgive them and safely extend your trust towards them without being naive? Being vulnerable with your heart is a risk, and takes trust… how much of your heart are you willing to risk hurting?

Maybe they are not trust-worthy at that level yet.

That is all.

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Gods heart shared with me

It’s another step in the process of how He is drawing me closer in. From a literal/analytical point of view, I find the whole process to be so fascinating and yet so tender.

How can the God of the entire universe whisper something in the ear of a random 20something year old guy from nowhere in some random little country and it bring him to tears because its so sweet and vulnerable? Or not how, but why?

Thats  me. Tears dripping onto my pillow at some time past midnight, not because my heart was broken by a girl, or not because life doesn’t work how I wished it did, or whatever normal guys my age secretly cry about, but because the God of the universe takes time to speak to my heart from the tender part of His. My mind = blown.

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Snow White and the Huntsman

Warning, this is not a movie review!

Yes, I just watched Snow White and the Huntsman, and although I had average expectations for it, (not a small degree because of biased expectations against Kristen Stewart’s acting); I actually totally enjoyed it, in fact I thought it was freaking epic. Not only that, Kristen turned out to be totally awesome too.

Placing all thoughts of cute/fierce chicks in armour aside; I’m curious to note my internal reactions to the movie as a whole, as I find I’m left with very conflicting emotions. (As I always am after epic movies)

First, there’s the male protagonist; feeling his strength and courage vicariously surging around my mirror neurons, I find myself filled with hope, purpose, and a teeth-gritting determination to “Let come what may – come hell, or high water!”.  A good feeling for a movie to leave you with.

On the other end is the female hero; she’s cute, fierce, and determined, she has purpose and passion. And I can’t help thinking to myself…(Read this next bit in a strong William Wallace Scottish accent)…

“It’s bloody hard enough in this world for a man to be who he wants to be…who he knows he’s supposed to be; But is it even possible for that man to meet a woman who’s the equal of who he’s supposed to be….if he can’t even get to there himself?”

Hmmm, you have to say it like it sounds as though you can’t make up your mind whether to spit on the floor or stab someone in the face; probably do both, but which one first? Let me re-phrase it though…

*How can I expect to meet a woman equal to the man I want to be, when I can’t seem to first be that man myself?*

– – – Edit 2/5/2016 – – –

The answer it seems to be, is to find someone who isn’t yet, but wants to be that woman equal to that man… and then grow there together.

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The most attractive thing on earth

The most attractive thing on earth is obviously going to be somehow related to humans of the female persuasion, but you can’t pin it down to any one physical trait, because besides being very shallow, it pretty much varies with peoples personal preference.

I think the number one specific thing that most guys will consistently find attractive in a girl is basically a certain attitude. Strength in vulnerability. This has nothing to do with being emotional, in fact, most guys are seriously turned off by too much emotions. On the other end of that scale is when strength is taken too far it becomes hard, which is also a big turn off for most guys.

(There is always the exception, some guys are attracted to emotional girls, and some find hardness sexy; but from what I’ve seen, they’re both the sort of guys that girls should avoid.)

The perfect mix is when a girl can be genuinely vulnerable with how she is feeling, and yet despite that be strong. Genuine vulnerability calls out something hard-wired deep inside us men, a sort of pre-historic, instinct type, desire to guard and protect; and when its coupled with an inner strength and courage, it acts as a multiplier, screaming out that this girl is one worth fighting for.

Vulnerability alone is a primeval call for the man to bring comfort; But when there is a dash of strength in the mix, its a call to fight both FOR and ALONGSIDE. And it’s super attractive.

(A word of caution: to the degree that this is powerful attraction, is to the same degree opposite if its faked or used to manipulate.)

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