Tag Archives: risk

Friendship Growth Cycle

Invisible boundaries; Are there such things? Not the awkward social kind that some people like to poop on, but the invisible limitations on the strength or length of a friendship.

What do you do when you think you have hit one of these limits? Press on? Pull back? What creates the limit? Are they permanent, and based on universal incompatibilities between two people?

A friendship is a relationship of enjoyment and trust between two people, right? Of course right.

If you have a friendship based only in enjoyment of the other persons company/personality, but you don’t share any trust between you, then no kind of intimacy can ever grow. Without any kind of trust and intimacy, the friendship is only going to ever be shallow and on the surface level. You have now reached the current limit of your friendship.

FriendshipCrap - Graph01On this graph I happened to have lying around, you can see the same thing goes for if you have a friendship based solely on trust. You might trust this person completely, but if you don’t actually enjoy being around them, then the friendship is boring.

So here is my dilemma, what if you have a friendship that has a great level of enjoyment which is continuing to grow, however the growth towards trust has stalled.

Maybe a new level of trust was extended, but someone breached that somehow. You pull back for a minute, maybe you’re a little hurt.

FriendshipCrap - Graph02You re-evaluate your friendship… is the level of enjoyment worth pursuing the trust again? How much trust are you willing to put forward?

Are some friendships supposed to not grow beyond a certain level? Who sets the level? Is it subconsciously mutual?

Surely the more trust you share with someone, the more you get to know them, and then the more you enjoy about them? So a friendship should be self perpetuating, it should continue to grow of its own accord, shouldn’t it?

Yes and no. The friendship scale isn’t one dimensional; there are at least 5 graphs that could be charted based only on trust as an example:

  1. Actual Outgoing – (The level of trust I extend towards you.)
  2. Perceived Outgoing – (The level of trust you think I extend towards you.)
  3. Actual Incoming – (The level of trust you actually extend towards me.)
  4. Perceived Incoming – (The level of trust I think you extend towards me.)
  5. The overall level of trust in the relationship. (The other 4 combined and overlayed)

The same goes for the enjoyment, there’s the actual enjoyment for each person, and the perceived enjoyment for each person. I may think that you enjoy my company more then you actually do.

I might be afraid of that. This insecurity will lower my enjoyment of your company, no matter if its true or not. So you see the perceived level of trust and enjoyment plays a big role in the overall friendship.

– – – – – – – –

So although the start of a friendship will grow under its own power, its when it hits some sort of limitation that you have to choose if you will let it stagnate there.

If you’ve reached your current max level of enjoyment of someone, in order to grow the relationship further, you have to choose to purposefully look for things that you enjoy about who the person is, and what they are like.

On a low level of intimacy, maybe its something as shallow as liking their accent.

If your friendship is closer it might be something more personal like the way they tilt their head ever so slightly when they’re confused. Or the sparkle in their eyes when they think of something funny.

If your friendship is lacking trust, what can you do to make yourself more trustworthy? How can you forgive them and safely extend your trust towards them without being naive? Being vulnerable with your heart is a risk, and takes trust… how much of your heart are you willing to risk hurting?

Maybe they are not trust-worthy at that level yet.

That is all.

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New Perspective

Fresh PerspectiveHi there,

You may not remember me, but I wrote some stuff here a while back. I thought it wasn’t too bad, but I’m definitely biased.

Today is a Sunday, ‘normal’ Christians are doing church right now. I’m feeling abnormal today, but its not my fault because I woke up with a fresh twisted perspective on my life and life in general. You see, I awoke this morning in the same frame of mind that I went to sleep with last night, I had honestly hoped it would have rearranged itself in that time, but it turns out blind optimism doesn’t do deliveries overnight, its more of a 3-5 business day sort of thing.

I’m laying spread-eagled on my back, staring up at the ceiling above my bed. Suddenly it occurs to me in my deepest knower-of-things, that nothing is holding me back or tying me down. I have a free will and a creative mind. I don’t have to stay in this town, I don’t have to live near my family, I don’t have to keep this job, I don’t have to live in this country. I don’t even have to love this girl or that girl. I. can. do. any-thing.

My mind buzzing, it races through the suddenly available options. If this, my life was a movie or a computer game… If my character has discovered himself to be in a new land… what would I want him to do? …where would I make him go, and who would I make him become? 

Will I travel across Europe as a wandering artist, painting and photographing my journey? Will I live under an overpass in America, sleeping on cardboard at night, and painting the pavement with chalk during the day? Will I take up a cause in Rwanda, giving my life to help people who can’t help themselves? Will I turn a darker leaf, weasel my way into an underworld of dealing drugs and assassination plots?

The artist option tickles my fancy, so I start to plan what of my belongings I will sell, and what should get stored at my parents house. …selling my car will get me the ticket price to anywhere in the world. I’ll need an extra SD card for my camera, and a laptop to organise and upload my photos. That’s it really, I’m ready to go. I could leave within 3 days if I could sell my car that soon.

I’m 100% serious right now, I’m ready to drop off the radar. If I die over there, somewhere random, maybe no one ever finds my body, it’s only my body that dies, sad for my family and few friends, but I’ll see them again anyway. I’ll probably be fine though, statistics at least are on my side.

I’ll probably end my wandering eventually, find a random little town I like, somewhere in the world, maybe in Romania. I’ll find cheap accommodation and a crappy job. I’ll work it well though, planning my own plans. I’ll start a business, become an official on the town council, we’ll get better funding for the local school, and I’ll love our gatherings at the small village church. I’ll love a girl, buy a house, raise a family, have a pet something. I’ll wake up early every morning so I can look across my pillow at my wife’s face as she sleeps peacefully beside me; studying every freckle and every tiny wrinkle, loving them like they were the sweetest of small things.

By this time, I’ve had a shower, and now I’m finishing the last of my morning coffee with one final thought…

*I could do all of those things here in this life too.*

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Is Dreaming Too Big For You?

Hey there internet friends, all 2 of you…

Ever liked the idea of spending ten years of your life working at a job with no personal future and no purpose? – No, I didn’t think you did. Why do so many people consider pursuing a dream job as both unrealistic and ‘taking the easy way out’?

Who said anything about it being easy? So many millions of people see their job as a means to an end; a ‘work now, so you can have the money to play later’ type of mentality. Suffering through the week and trying to relax on the weekend. Why? Why spend the majority of your life doing something that you couldn’t really care a flip about?

Taking the easy way out in my opinion is when you set aside dreams because they’re too hard; Then settling for something like working at a burger joint, or in my particular case a few years ago: getting a building apprenticeship. I have bigger dreams then building houses. – Not that being a builder is a small dream…but that for me personally; to become a builder would be taking the easy way out.

Don’t settle for selling shoes, if you’re capable of changing the world. On the other hand, be enthusiastic about selling shoes if it fits into your plan for changing the world. Sounds like another darn cliché, but like many clichés, it’s true. Suck it up.

Dreaming is easy; Pursuing a dream is darn hard going.

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Toxic Perfection

I’m a perfectionist and its probably killing me from the inside out.

I hold myself to a standard that is a thousand times higher than I expect of others, yet for an unknown reason, I’m always surprised and hurt when I consistently fail it. Talk about stupid huh?! I fear failure like a snake in the dark, and then I set myself up for exactly that.

If I can’t reach the mark with something, I won’t touch it with a ten foot pole.
Its all or nothing…in every area of my life.

All or nothing sounds like a great life motto, but its actually prideful arrogance and fearful insecurity covered in the cloak of determination and the pursuit of excellence.

All to often, I’m unable to give something my all, so I give it nothing. There are vast areas of my life where I’m missing enjoyment and possibilities, because I’m scared of the first-time stepping in the door and failing.

Let’s get down to the serious brass tacks of the situation…

Problem: Perfectionist to a fault
Solution: Accept risk of failure

Us perfectionists have to become vulnerable, and be willing to fail. We have to force ourselves to try something new and dangerous because we might like it, rather than not trying it simply because we might not like it or we might fail at it. (…I think that makes sense?)

I’m not saying you and I have to accept failure; we just have to accept the risk of it.

This ranges from taking up a new sport or making that job change, to simply trying something new on the menu today. (Or asking that cute receptionist out… go on, you know the one I mean.)

Here’s to the delightfully painful resignation of casting off from ‘sound reasoning’, and setting full sails in the winds of chance and possibility; Cheers!

 

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