Tag Archives: possibilities

New Perspective

Fresh PerspectiveHi there,

You may not remember me, but I wrote some stuff here a while back. I thought it wasn’t too bad, but I’m definitely biased.

Today is a Sunday, ‘normal’ Christians are doing church right now. I’m feeling abnormal today, but its not my fault because I woke up with a fresh twisted perspective on my life and life in general. You see, I awoke this morning in the same frame of mind that I went to sleep with last night, I had honestly hoped it would have rearranged itself in that time, but it turns out blind optimism doesn’t do deliveries overnight, its more of a 3-5 business day sort of thing.

I’m laying spread-eagled on my back, staring up at the ceiling above my bed. Suddenly it occurs to me in my deepest knower-of-things, that nothing is holding me back or tying me down. I have a free will and a creative mind. I don’t have to stay in this town, I don’t have to live near my family, I don’t have to keep this job, I don’t have to live in this country. I don’t even have to love this girl or that girl. I. can. do. any-thing.

My mind buzzing, it races through the suddenly available options. If this, my life was a movie or a computer game… If my character has discovered himself to be in a new land… what would I want him to do? …where would I make him go, and who would I make him become? 

Will I travel across Europe as a wandering artist, painting and photographing my journey? Will I live under an overpass in America, sleeping on cardboard at night, and painting the pavement with chalk during the day? Will I take up a cause in Rwanda, giving my life to help people who can’t help themselves? Will I turn a darker leaf, weasel my way into an underworld of dealing drugs and assassination plots?

The artist option tickles my fancy, so I start to plan what of my belongings I will sell, and what should get stored at my parents house. …selling my car will get me the ticket price to anywhere in the world. I’ll need an extra SD card for my camera, and a laptop to organise and upload my photos. That’s it really, I’m ready to go. I could leave within 3 days if I could sell my car that soon.

I’m 100% serious right now, I’m ready to drop off the radar. If I die over there, somewhere random, maybe no one ever finds my body, it’s only my body that dies, sad for my family and few friends, but I’ll see them again anyway. I’ll probably be fine though, statistics at least are on my side.

I’ll probably end my wandering eventually, find a random little town I like, somewhere in the world, maybe in Romania. I’ll find cheap accommodation and a crappy job. I’ll work it well though, planning my own plans. I’ll start a business, become an official on the town council, we’ll get better funding for the local school, and I’ll love our gatherings at the small village church. I’ll love a girl, buy a house, raise a family, have a pet something. I’ll wake up early every morning so I can look across my pillow at my wife’s face as she sleeps peacefully beside me; studying every freckle and every tiny wrinkle, loving them like they were the sweetest of small things.

By this time, I’ve had a shower, and now I’m finishing the last of my morning coffee with one final thought…

*I could do all of those things here in this life too.*

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Gap Theory

Whats the point of good intentions? I have a problem that I really don’t understand, I have many great ideas about things to do or create, and yet I see a major gap between my intentions and the end results.

How the hell does this happen to me? I try so hard, I don’t think its for a lack of desire. Its like I’m missing something that I don’t even have a word for. Hang on a second, I’ll make one….”Oomph”

You get that by taking the word ‘life’ and then subtracting half each of ‘passion’, ‘purpose’ and ‘drive’. What you end up with is a seeming lack of ‘Oomph’.

As a ‘grown-up’ human being, what can I do to reduce that gap and regain my ‘Oomph’?

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Toxic Perfection

I’m a perfectionist and its probably killing me from the inside out.

I hold myself to a standard that is a thousand times higher than I expect of others, yet for an unknown reason, I’m always surprised and hurt when I consistently fail it. Talk about stupid huh?! I fear failure like a snake in the dark, and then I set myself up for exactly that.

If I can’t reach the mark with something, I won’t touch it with a ten foot pole.
Its all or nothing…in every area of my life.

All or nothing sounds like a great life motto, but its actually prideful arrogance and fearful insecurity covered in the cloak of determination and the pursuit of excellence.

All to often, I’m unable to give something my all, so I give it nothing. There are vast areas of my life where I’m missing enjoyment and possibilities, because I’m scared of the first-time stepping in the door and failing.

Let’s get down to the serious brass tacks of the situation…

Problem: Perfectionist to a fault
Solution: Accept risk of failure

Us perfectionists have to become vulnerable, and be willing to fail. We have to force ourselves to try something new and dangerous because we might like it, rather than not trying it simply because we might not like it or we might fail at it. (…I think that makes sense?)

I’m not saying you and I have to accept failure; we just have to accept the risk of it.

This ranges from taking up a new sport or making that job change, to simply trying something new on the menu today. (Or asking that cute receptionist out… go on, you know the one I mean.)

Here’s to the delightfully painful resignation of casting off from ‘sound reasoning’, and setting full sails in the winds of chance and possibility; Cheers!

 

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