Tag Archives: life

Personal Update – I got married!

*Some time in the near past…*
Sooo, some new girl has moved into my flat, she’s cute and/but a little bit different.

“Oh God, PLEASE don’t let me like her!!”

*A couple months later…*
I’ve made a new friend. We even shook hands on it.

*A few months later…*
I seem to have a new best friend.
(Although she has asked me no less than 3 times to please not fall in love and mess the friendship up.)

*A couple months later…*
Umm, I kinda fell in love. Sorry!

*A few weeks later…*
Phew! She fell in love too. (Moved out of the flat and now we’re dating.)

*A few months later…*
She said yes!

*A few months later…*
We got married! It was kinda lovely.

*Nearly 8 months later…*
We still haven’t gotten back from our honeymoon. It’s kinda gross, all this love stuff. (In the BEST way possible!)

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Chronicles of a Renegade #1

Please excuse the following rant…

Have you looked at the world lately? How about reading your bible? They’re both full of things that weren’t ok and didn’t end that well for the people involved. Don’t get me wrong, I believe God is good and will turn all things into good in the end for those who love him… But are you telling me that I should have hope anyway because either:
A) At some unknown/undefined time point, maybe soon, maybe far in the future, this crap situation will eventually become a not so crap situation.
or
B) When you die, you get to go to heaven, and in heaven there won’t be any crap situations, so you see, it will all work out ok in the end.
or
C) You’re just looking at it from the wrong perspective. “You need to see this from God’s perspective” (Great, sorry to be blunt here, but how would you explain that to a victim of abuse or rape?)

I had hope for the future, but it was falsely based in the hope of relationship and fellowship. My hope was that in the future, God would bring someone into my life who I could know and love with all my heart, and whom in return would know and love me straight back.

But I’ve had a little bad luck with that so far.

So now I’ve been finding myself waking up in the morning and staring at the roof, and wondering what the point of great life dreams and ambitions is if your core desires and dreams will never be filled? Selfishly, what’s the point of dreaming about healing and freedom and deliverance for others, if you’re more immediate desires and dreams can’t even be satisfied? (Why aim for the stars, if you can’t even touch the roof?)

People can really suck sometimes. People you love and get close to, can lie to you, manipulate you, even stab you in the back; and on top of that, actually convince themselves that they were “trying to protect you”, when they were only filled with fear and covering their own butts.

*Looks up at sky*

Ok God, so its you who loves me and knows me and wants to be loved and known by me. And I know you are good, and I know you won’t ever lie to me, and you don’t manipulate people. But just being honest here, I’m not yet convinced that you aren’t going to stab me in the back somehow.

I’m scared of you God, and I have trouble trusting you. I’m scared that if I trust fully in you, you’ll make stuff or let stuff happen “because it’s good for me”. 

But I will try to trust you, even if only because I know you won’t ever lie to me or manipulate me. That’s all I have to give you God, but it’s at least somewhere to start from. You know where my heart is.

 

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Relational Gravitation and Wasabi

Relational GravityTake a moment to picture in your beautiful head, an archery target; you know, the kind with circles one inside of each another, like a cross section of Russian stacking dolls. Now forget the archery, and also the Russian dolls… unless they’re cute (Eeep!)

All I want you to think of is the concentric circles. …you know, like the ripples from a pebble dropped in a pond.
In the middle of the circles you should imagine a dot. This dot is the center of your capacity for relational intimacy. Its a God shaped hole, only God can fill that center dot. Read that sentence one more time.

Relational Wasabi #1 – If you’re missing God from in that center position, everything and everyone else is sucked in towards the middle of your relational intimacy. This creates all kinds of wack and stuff.

Relational Gravitaion - 1345449_12595961

Why wasabi? – Think of the way it punches you on the inside-front of your head when you get a good mouthful of it. Sometimes we need that sort of wake-up in our relationships with others eh.

Ok, now move your attention outwards to the next circle, the one that encircles the God dot. This circle is only big enough to hold one person at a time, and is designed to cuddle your Significant Other. Naawww, thats cute. Ok, moving on.

Relational Wasabi #2 – If you’re missing a Significant Other, sort of person from that position…here it comes… then what happens is that close friends, (obviously of the opposite gender), are gravitationally pulled towards that position of relational intimacy. And here’s the hook: Even if you instinctively know that its not meant to be.

Moving onwards and outwards, we have the next level of circle, ring, ripple thing. This one’s capable of holding between 3-5 peeps. These are your peeps; You know who I mean, YOUR peeps.

Relational Wasabi #3 – If you have less peeps in this circle than you’re capable of holding… (Like, you can handle 5, but you currently only have 2 in your life) Than friends from the circles further outwards, get inadvertently dragged inwards. (Not always a bad thing.)

This process continues on outwards another few layers, each bigger circle able to contain more individuals at that particular level of relational intimacy. Apparently average humans are only capable of maintaining current and active relational friendships with up to 100 people at a time. You may obviously “know” more people than that, but you quite likely won’t have the emotional space to be engaged with more than that.

Relational Wasabi #4 (Last one, I promise, but its a doozy) – If you have more people in any circle than that circle is capable of containing… you feel stress, emotional overload, overwhelmed, disconnected, and emotionally drained.

And the worst part is, you are STEALING relational intimacy and connection from the other people in that level of circle of relationship. You’re hurting your friends. Stop that.

Get some self control, consider who your friends are, evaluate what relationships in your life you need to re-focus on. Stop treating people who love you and have the relational right to your intimacy, as if they don’t belong in that level. Stop that.

Like a take-home doggy-bag of goodies, here’s two take home points:

#1 Be aware of relational gravity pulling people into empty slots that they might not be capable or trustworthy enough to fill. (This one hurts us, aye)

#2 Don’t steal intimacy from deserving peeps, and dish it out to mere acquaintances who don’t actually care for it or value it. (This one also hurts us, huh)

You have been listening to the voice of slightly pained experience, combined with common-sense reason. (Mostly experience. Ouch).

Chur

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The Depravity of Deprived Sleep

I’m conducting an unintentional socio-scientific experiment involving layered sleep deprivation over a prolonged period of time. I myself am the main test subject in the study, alongside with a couple of my flatmates and friends.

My theory thus far is that prolonged lack of sleep may have some detrimental side effects on a few of life’s smaller matters such as work productivity, perceived mental capacity, hormonal/emotional balance,  sense of humour, and general life longevity.

With “nights sleep” as our unit of measure, being roughly equal to a 12 hour night time period: The deprivation for during the period of 4 normal nights sleep has been assigned to the test subjects as follows:

  • Subject C was allowed 2.5 nights sleep out of 4 nights,
  • Subject B was allowed 2 nights sleep out of 4 nights,
  • Subject A was allowed 1.5 nights sleep out of 4 nights.

For the sake of scientific research and the good of mankind, Subject A has been requested to perform their own psychoanalysis and record their notes so that the researchers may better understand the effects of this depravity. These notes are attached below:

  1. Subject A appears to demonstrate a complete lack of respect for writing in the first person.
  2. Subject A shows an astounding level of higher intelligence by assigning themselves into the role of lead researcher. Brilliant science will now follow.
  3. Subject A has taken on a serious note and observed that 1 side effect of not sleeping for a night is the brain doesn’t sort the days thoughts out during the night. No sleep=no brain refresh=same thought patterns=banana sandwich for lunch(Last point not relevant but very true none the less).
  4. Subject A finds themselves thinking on the same trains of thought even up to 30 hours after a thought’s ‘best before date’ has passed.
  5. Subject A is expressing what appears to be erratic behaviour but is actually more normal than the average human sleeping.
  6. Subject A has decided to reallocate research funding towards a more pressing social/economic matter; that of the caffeine drip via intravenous administration.

That is all.

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New Perspective

Fresh PerspectiveHi there,

You may not remember me, but I wrote some stuff here a while back. I thought it wasn’t too bad, but I’m definitely biased.

Today is a Sunday, ‘normal’ Christians are doing church right now. I’m feeling abnormal today, but its not my fault because I woke up with a fresh twisted perspective on my life and life in general. You see, I awoke this morning in the same frame of mind that I went to sleep with last night, I had honestly hoped it would have rearranged itself in that time, but it turns out blind optimism doesn’t do deliveries overnight, its more of a 3-5 business day sort of thing.

I’m laying spread-eagled on my back, staring up at the ceiling above my bed. Suddenly it occurs to me in my deepest knower-of-things, that nothing is holding me back or tying me down. I have a free will and a creative mind. I don’t have to stay in this town, I don’t have to live near my family, I don’t have to keep this job, I don’t have to live in this country. I don’t even have to love this girl or that girl. I. can. do. any-thing.

My mind buzzing, it races through the suddenly available options. If this, my life was a movie or a computer game… If my character has discovered himself to be in a new land… what would I want him to do? …where would I make him go, and who would I make him become? 

Will I travel across Europe as a wandering artist, painting and photographing my journey? Will I live under an overpass in America, sleeping on cardboard at night, and painting the pavement with chalk during the day? Will I take up a cause in Rwanda, giving my life to help people who can’t help themselves? Will I turn a darker leaf, weasel my way into an underworld of dealing drugs and assassination plots?

The artist option tickles my fancy, so I start to plan what of my belongings I will sell, and what should get stored at my parents house. …selling my car will get me the ticket price to anywhere in the world. I’ll need an extra SD card for my camera, and a laptop to organise and upload my photos. That’s it really, I’m ready to go. I could leave within 3 days if I could sell my car that soon.

I’m 100% serious right now, I’m ready to drop off the radar. If I die over there, somewhere random, maybe no one ever finds my body, it’s only my body that dies, sad for my family and few friends, but I’ll see them again anyway. I’ll probably be fine though, statistics at least are on my side.

I’ll probably end my wandering eventually, find a random little town I like, somewhere in the world, maybe in Romania. I’ll find cheap accommodation and a crappy job. I’ll work it well though, planning my own plans. I’ll start a business, become an official on the town council, we’ll get better funding for the local school, and I’ll love our gatherings at the small village church. I’ll love a girl, buy a house, raise a family, have a pet something. I’ll wake up early every morning so I can look across my pillow at my wife’s face as she sleeps peacefully beside me; studying every freckle and every tiny wrinkle, loving them like they were the sweetest of small things.

By this time, I’ve had a shower, and now I’m finishing the last of my morning coffee with one final thought…

*I could do all of those things here in this life too.*

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Gods heart shared with me

It’s another step in the process of how He is drawing me closer in. From a literal/analytical point of view, I find the whole process to be so fascinating and yet so tender.

How can the God of the entire universe whisper something in the ear of a random 20something year old guy from nowhere in some random little country and it bring him to tears because its so sweet and vulnerable? Or not how, but why?

Thats  me. Tears dripping onto my pillow at some time past midnight, not because my heart was broken by a girl, or not because life doesn’t work how I wished it did, or whatever normal guys my age secretly cry about, but because the God of the universe takes time to speak to my heart from the tender part of His. My mind = blown.

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Gap Theory

Whats the point of good intentions? I have a problem that I really don’t understand, I have many great ideas about things to do or create, and yet I see a major gap between my intentions and the end results.

How the hell does this happen to me? I try so hard, I don’t think its for a lack of desire. Its like I’m missing something that I don’t even have a word for. Hang on a second, I’ll make one….”Oomph”

You get that by taking the word ‘life’ and then subtracting half each of ‘passion’, ‘purpose’ and ‘drive’. What you end up with is a seeming lack of ‘Oomph’.

As a ‘grown-up’ human being, what can I do to reduce that gap and regain my ‘Oomph’?

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Toxic Perfection

I’m a perfectionist and its probably killing me from the inside out.

I hold myself to a standard that is a thousand times higher than I expect of others, yet for an unknown reason, I’m always surprised and hurt when I consistently fail it. Talk about stupid huh?! I fear failure like a snake in the dark, and then I set myself up for exactly that.

If I can’t reach the mark with something, I won’t touch it with a ten foot pole.
Its all or nothing…in every area of my life.

All or nothing sounds like a great life motto, but its actually prideful arrogance and fearful insecurity covered in the cloak of determination and the pursuit of excellence.

All to often, I’m unable to give something my all, so I give it nothing. There are vast areas of my life where I’m missing enjoyment and possibilities, because I’m scared of the first-time stepping in the door and failing.

Let’s get down to the serious brass tacks of the situation…

Problem: Perfectionist to a fault
Solution: Accept risk of failure

Us perfectionists have to become vulnerable, and be willing to fail. We have to force ourselves to try something new and dangerous because we might like it, rather than not trying it simply because we might not like it or we might fail at it. (…I think that makes sense?)

I’m not saying you and I have to accept failure; we just have to accept the risk of it.

This ranges from taking up a new sport or making that job change, to simply trying something new on the menu today. (Or asking that cute receptionist out… go on, you know the one I mean.)

Here’s to the delightfully painful resignation of casting off from ‘sound reasoning’, and setting full sails in the winds of chance and possibility; Cheers!

 

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