Tag Archives: emotions

Relational Gravitation and Wasabi

Relational GravityTake a moment to picture in your beautiful head, an archery target; you know, the kind with circles one inside of each another, like a cross section of Russian stacking dolls. Now forget the archery, and also the Russian dolls… unless they’re cute (Eeep!)

All I want you to think of is the concentric circles. …you know, like the ripples from a pebble dropped in a pond.
In the middle of the circles you should imagine a dot. This dot is the center of your capacity for relational intimacy. Its a God shaped hole, only God can fill that center dot. Read that sentence one more time.

Relational Wasabi #1 – If you’re missing God from in that center position, everything and everyone else is sucked in towards the middle of your relational intimacy. This creates all kinds of wack and stuff.

Relational Gravitaion - 1345449_12595961

Why wasabi? – Think of the way it punches you on the inside-front of your head when you get a good mouthful of it. Sometimes we need that sort of wake-up in our relationships with others eh.

Ok, now move your attention outwards to the next circle, the one that encircles the God dot. This circle is only big enough to hold one person at a time, and is designed to cuddle your Significant Other. Naawww, thats cute. Ok, moving on.

Relational Wasabi #2 – If you’re missing a Significant Other, sort of person from that position…here it comes… then what happens is that close friends, (obviously of the opposite gender), are gravitationally pulled towards that position of relational intimacy. And here’s the hook: Even if you instinctively know that its not meant to be.

Moving onwards and outwards, we have the next level of circle, ring, ripple thing. This one’s capable of holding between 3-5 peeps. These are your peeps; You know who I mean, YOUR peeps.

Relational Wasabi #3 – If you have less peeps in this circle than you’re capable of holding… (Like, you can handle 5, but you currently only have 2 in your life) Than friends from the circles further outwards, get inadvertently dragged inwards. (Not always a bad thing.)

This process continues on outwards another few layers, each bigger circle able to contain more individuals at that particular level of relational intimacy. Apparently average humans are only capable of maintaining current and active relational friendships with up to 100 people at a time. You may obviously “know” more people than that, but you quite likely won’t have the emotional space to be engaged with more than that.

Relational Wasabi #4 (Last one, I promise, but its a doozy) – If you have more people in any circle than that circle is capable of containing… you feel stress, emotional overload, overwhelmed, disconnected, and emotionally drained.

And the worst part is, you are STEALING relational intimacy and connection from the other people in that level of circle of relationship. You’re hurting your friends. Stop that.

Get some self control, consider who your friends are, evaluate what relationships in your life you need to re-focus on. Stop treating people who love you and have the relational right to your intimacy, as if they don’t belong in that level. Stop that.

Like a take-home doggy-bag of goodies, here’s two take home points:

#1 Be aware of relational gravity pulling people into empty slots that they might not be capable or trustworthy enough to fill. (This one hurts us, aye)

#2 Don’t steal intimacy from deserving peeps, and dish it out to mere acquaintances who don’t actually care for it or value it. (This one also hurts us, huh)

You have been listening to the voice of slightly pained experience, combined with common-sense reason. (Mostly experience. Ouch).

Chur

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Friendship Growth Cycle

Invisible boundaries; Are there such things? Not the awkward social kind that some people like to poop on, but the invisible limitations on the strength or length of a friendship.

What do you do when you think you have hit one of these limits? Press on? Pull back? What creates the limit? Are they permanent, and based on universal incompatibilities between two people?

A friendship is a relationship of enjoyment and trust between two people, right? Of course right.

If you have a friendship based only in enjoyment of the other persons company/personality, but you don’t share any trust between you, then no kind of intimacy can ever grow. Without any kind of trust and intimacy, the friendship is only going to ever be shallow and on the surface level. You have now reached the current limit of your friendship.

FriendshipCrap - Graph01On this graph I happened to have lying around, you can see the same thing goes for if you have a friendship based solely on trust. You might trust this person completely, but if you don’t actually enjoy being around them, then the friendship is boring.

So here is my dilemma, what if you have a friendship that has a great level of enjoyment which is continuing to grow, however the growth towards trust has stalled.

Maybe a new level of trust was extended, but someone breached that somehow. You pull back for a minute, maybe you’re a little hurt.

FriendshipCrap - Graph02You re-evaluate your friendship… is the level of enjoyment worth pursuing the trust again? How much trust are you willing to put forward?

Are some friendships supposed to not grow beyond a certain level? Who sets the level? Is it subconsciously mutual?

Surely the more trust you share with someone, the more you get to know them, and then the more you enjoy about them? So a friendship should be self perpetuating, it should continue to grow of its own accord, shouldn’t it?

Yes and no. The friendship scale isn’t one dimensional; there are at least 5 graphs that could be charted based only on trust as an example:

  1. Actual Outgoing – (The level of trust I extend towards you.)
  2. Perceived Outgoing – (The level of trust you think I extend towards you.)
  3. Actual Incoming – (The level of trust you actually extend towards me.)
  4. Perceived Incoming – (The level of trust I think you extend towards me.)
  5. The overall level of trust in the relationship. (The other 4 combined and overlayed)

The same goes for the enjoyment, there’s the actual enjoyment for each person, and the perceived enjoyment for each person. I may think that you enjoy my company more then you actually do.

I might be afraid of that. This insecurity will lower my enjoyment of your company, no matter if its true or not. So you see the perceived level of trust and enjoyment plays a big role in the overall friendship.

– – – – – – – –

So although the start of a friendship will grow under its own power, its when it hits some sort of limitation that you have to choose if you will let it stagnate there.

If you’ve reached your current max level of enjoyment of someone, in order to grow the relationship further, you have to choose to purposefully look for things that you enjoy about who the person is, and what they are like.

On a low level of intimacy, maybe its something as shallow as liking their accent.

If your friendship is closer it might be something more personal like the way they tilt their head ever so slightly when they’re confused. Or the sparkle in their eyes when they think of something funny.

If your friendship is lacking trust, what can you do to make yourself more trustworthy? How can you forgive them and safely extend your trust towards them without being naive? Being vulnerable with your heart is a risk, and takes trust… how much of your heart are you willing to risk hurting?

Maybe they are not trust-worthy at that level yet.

That is all.

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The Depravity of Deprived Sleep

I’m conducting an unintentional socio-scientific experiment involving layered sleep deprivation over a prolonged period of time. I myself am the main test subject in the study, alongside with a couple of my flatmates and friends.

My theory thus far is that prolonged lack of sleep may have some detrimental side effects on a few of life’s smaller matters such as work productivity, perceived mental capacity, hormonal/emotional balance,  sense of humour, and general life longevity.

With “nights sleep” as our unit of measure, being roughly equal to a 12 hour night time period: The deprivation for during the period of 4 normal nights sleep has been assigned to the test subjects as follows:

  • Subject C was allowed 2.5 nights sleep out of 4 nights,
  • Subject B was allowed 2 nights sleep out of 4 nights,
  • Subject A was allowed 1.5 nights sleep out of 4 nights.

For the sake of scientific research and the good of mankind, Subject A has been requested to perform their own psychoanalysis and record their notes so that the researchers may better understand the effects of this depravity. These notes are attached below:

  1. Subject A appears to demonstrate a complete lack of respect for writing in the first person.
  2. Subject A shows an astounding level of higher intelligence by assigning themselves into the role of lead researcher. Brilliant science will now follow.
  3. Subject A has taken on a serious note and observed that 1 side effect of not sleeping for a night is the brain doesn’t sort the days thoughts out during the night. No sleep=no brain refresh=same thought patterns=banana sandwich for lunch(Last point not relevant but very true none the less).
  4. Subject A finds themselves thinking on the same trains of thought even up to 30 hours after a thought’s ‘best before date’ has passed.
  5. Subject A is expressing what appears to be erratic behaviour but is actually more normal than the average human sleeping.
  6. Subject A has decided to reallocate research funding towards a more pressing social/economic matter; that of the caffeine drip via intravenous administration.

That is all.

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The most attractive thing on earth

The most attractive thing on earth is obviously going to be somehow related to humans of the female persuasion, but you can’t pin it down to any one physical trait, because besides being very shallow, it pretty much varies with peoples personal preference.

I think the number one specific thing that most guys will consistently find attractive in a girl is basically a certain attitude. Strength in vulnerability. This has nothing to do with being emotional, in fact, most guys are seriously turned off by too much emotions. On the other end of that scale is when strength is taken too far it becomes hard, which is also a big turn off for most guys.

(There is always the exception, some guys are attracted to emotional girls, and some find hardness sexy; but from what I’ve seen, they’re both the sort of guys that girls should avoid.)

The perfect mix is when a girl can be genuinely vulnerable with how she is feeling, and yet despite that be strong. Genuine vulnerability calls out something hard-wired deep inside us men, a sort of pre-historic, instinct type, desire to guard and protect; and when its coupled with an inner strength and courage, it acts as a multiplier, screaming out that this girl is one worth fighting for.

Vulnerability alone is a primeval call for the man to bring comfort; But when there is a dash of strength in the mix, its a call to fight both FOR and ALONGSIDE. And it’s super attractive.

(A word of caution: to the degree that this is powerful attraction, is to the same degree opposite if its faked or used to manipulate.)

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