Tag Archives: doubts

Chronicles of a Renegade #1

Please excuse the following rant…

Have you looked at the world lately? How about reading your bible? They’re both full of things that weren’t ok and didn’t end that well for the people involved. Don’t get me wrong, I believe God is good and will turn all things into good in the end for those who love him… But are you telling me that I should have hope anyway because either:
A) At some unknown/undefined time point, maybe soon, maybe far in the future, this crap situation will eventually become a not so crap situation.
or
B) When you die, you get to go to heaven, and in heaven there won’t be any crap situations, so you see, it will all work out ok in the end.
or
C) You’re just looking at it from the wrong perspective. “You need to see this from God’s perspective” (Great, sorry to be blunt here, but how would you explain that to a victim of abuse or rape?)

I had hope for the future, but it was falsely based in the hope of relationship and fellowship. My hope was that in the future, God would bring someone into my life who I could know and love with all my heart, and whom in return would know and love me straight back.

But I’ve had a little bad luck with that so far.

So now I’ve been finding myself waking up in the morning and staring at the roof, and wondering what the point of great life dreams and ambitions is if your core desires and dreams will never be filled? Selfishly, what’s the point of dreaming about healing and freedom and deliverance for others, if you’re more immediate desires and dreams can’t even be satisfied? (Why aim for the stars, if you can’t even touch the roof?)

People can really suck sometimes. People you love and get close to, can lie to you, manipulate you, even stab you in the back; and on top of that, actually convince themselves that they were “trying to protect you”, when they were only filled with fear and covering their own butts.

*Looks up at sky*

Ok God, so its you who loves me and knows me and wants to be loved and known by me. And I know you are good, and I know you won’t ever lie to me, and you don’t manipulate people. But just being honest here, I’m not yet convinced that you aren’t going to stab me in the back somehow.

I’m scared of you God, and I have trouble trusting you. I’m scared that if I trust fully in you, you’ll make stuff or let stuff happen “because it’s good for me”. 

But I will try to trust you, even if only because I know you won’t ever lie to me or manipulate me. That’s all I have to give you God, but it’s at least somewhere to start from. You know where my heart is.

 

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