Tag Archives: desire

Personal Update – I got married!

*Some time in the near past…*
Sooo, some new girl has moved into my flat, she’s cute and/but a little bit different.

“Oh God, PLEASE don’t let me like her!!”

*A couple months later…*
I’ve made a new friend. We even shook hands on it.

*A few months later…*
I seem to have a new best friend.
(Although she has asked me no less than 3 times to please not fall in love and mess the friendship up.)

*A couple months later…*
Umm, I kinda fell in love. Sorry!

*A few weeks later…*
Phew! She fell in love too. (Moved out of the flat and now we’re dating.)

*A few months later…*
She said yes!

*A few months later…*
We got married! It was kinda lovely.

*Nearly 8 months later…*
We still haven’t gotten back from our honeymoon. It’s kinda gross, all this love stuff. (In the BEST way possible!)

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Chronicles of a Renegade #1

Please excuse the following rant…

Have you looked at the world lately? How about reading your bible? They’re both full of things that weren’t ok and didn’t end that well for the people involved. Don’t get me wrong, I believe God is good and will turn all things into good in the end for those who love him… But are you telling me that I should have hope anyway because either:
A) At some unknown/undefined time point, maybe soon, maybe far in the future, this crap situation will eventually become a not so crap situation.
or
B) When you die, you get to go to heaven, and in heaven there won’t be any crap situations, so you see, it will all work out ok in the end.
or
C) You’re just looking at it from the wrong perspective. “You need to see this from God’s perspective” (Great, sorry to be blunt here, but how would you explain that to a victim of abuse or rape?)

I had hope for the future, but it was falsely based in the hope of relationship and fellowship. My hope was that in the future, God would bring someone into my life who I could know and love with all my heart, and whom in return would know and love me straight back.

But I’ve had a little bad luck with that so far.

So now I’ve been finding myself waking up in the morning and staring at the roof, and wondering what the point of great life dreams and ambitions is if your core desires and dreams will never be filled? Selfishly, what’s the point of dreaming about healing and freedom and deliverance for others, if you’re more immediate desires and dreams can’t even be satisfied? (Why aim for the stars, if you can’t even touch the roof?)

People can really suck sometimes. People you love and get close to, can lie to you, manipulate you, even stab you in the back; and on top of that, actually convince themselves that they were “trying to protect you”, when they were only filled with fear and covering their own butts.

*Looks up at sky*

Ok God, so its you who loves me and knows me and wants to be loved and known by me. And I know you are good, and I know you won’t ever lie to me, and you don’t manipulate people. But just being honest here, I’m not yet convinced that you aren’t going to stab me in the back somehow.

I’m scared of you God, and I have trouble trusting you. I’m scared that if I trust fully in you, you’ll make stuff or let stuff happen “because it’s good for me”. 

But I will try to trust you, even if only because I know you won’t ever lie to me or manipulate me. That’s all I have to give you God, but it’s at least somewhere to start from. You know where my heart is.

 

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New Perspective

Fresh PerspectiveHi there,

You may not remember me, but I wrote some stuff here a while back. I thought it wasn’t too bad, but I’m definitely biased.

Today is a Sunday, ‘normal’ Christians are doing church right now. I’m feeling abnormal today, but its not my fault because I woke up with a fresh twisted perspective on my life and life in general. You see, I awoke this morning in the same frame of mind that I went to sleep with last night, I had honestly hoped it would have rearranged itself in that time, but it turns out blind optimism doesn’t do deliveries overnight, its more of a 3-5 business day sort of thing.

I’m laying spread-eagled on my back, staring up at the ceiling above my bed. Suddenly it occurs to me in my deepest knower-of-things, that nothing is holding me back or tying me down. I have a free will and a creative mind. I don’t have to stay in this town, I don’t have to live near my family, I don’t have to keep this job, I don’t have to live in this country. I don’t even have to love this girl or that girl. I. can. do. any-thing.

My mind buzzing, it races through the suddenly available options. If this, my life was a movie or a computer game… If my character has discovered himself to be in a new land… what would I want him to do? …where would I make him go, and who would I make him become? 

Will I travel across Europe as a wandering artist, painting and photographing my journey? Will I live under an overpass in America, sleeping on cardboard at night, and painting the pavement with chalk during the day? Will I take up a cause in Rwanda, giving my life to help people who can’t help themselves? Will I turn a darker leaf, weasel my way into an underworld of dealing drugs and assassination plots?

The artist option tickles my fancy, so I start to plan what of my belongings I will sell, and what should get stored at my parents house. …selling my car will get me the ticket price to anywhere in the world. I’ll need an extra SD card for my camera, and a laptop to organise and upload my photos. That’s it really, I’m ready to go. I could leave within 3 days if I could sell my car that soon.

I’m 100% serious right now, I’m ready to drop off the radar. If I die over there, somewhere random, maybe no one ever finds my body, it’s only my body that dies, sad for my family and few friends, but I’ll see them again anyway. I’ll probably be fine though, statistics at least are on my side.

I’ll probably end my wandering eventually, find a random little town I like, somewhere in the world, maybe in Romania. I’ll find cheap accommodation and a crappy job. I’ll work it well though, planning my own plans. I’ll start a business, become an official on the town council, we’ll get better funding for the local school, and I’ll love our gatherings at the small village church. I’ll love a girl, buy a house, raise a family, have a pet something. I’ll wake up early every morning so I can look across my pillow at my wife’s face as she sleeps peacefully beside me; studying every freckle and every tiny wrinkle, loving them like they were the sweetest of small things.

By this time, I’ve had a shower, and now I’m finishing the last of my morning coffee with one final thought…

*I could do all of those things here in this life too.*

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Snow White and the Huntsman

Warning, this is not a movie review!

Yes, I just watched Snow White and the Huntsman, and although I had average expectations for it, (not a small degree because of biased expectations against Kristen Stewart’s acting); I actually totally enjoyed it, in fact I thought it was freaking epic. Not only that, Kristen turned out to be totally awesome too.

Placing all thoughts of cute/fierce chicks in armour aside; I’m curious to note my internal reactions to the movie as a whole, as I find I’m left with very conflicting emotions. (As I always am after epic movies)

First, there’s the male protagonist; feeling his strength and courage vicariously surging around my mirror neurons, I find myself filled with hope, purpose, and a teeth-gritting determination to “Let come what may – come hell, or high water!”.  A good feeling for a movie to leave you with.

On the other end is the female hero; she’s cute, fierce, and determined, she has purpose and passion. And I can’t help thinking to myself…(Read this next bit in a strong William Wallace Scottish accent)…

“It’s bloody hard enough in this world for a man to be who he wants to be…who he knows he’s supposed to be; But is it even possible for that man to meet a woman who’s the equal of who he’s supposed to be….if he can’t even get to there himself?”

Hmmm, you have to say it like it sounds as though you can’t make up your mind whether to spit on the floor or stab someone in the face; probably do both, but which one first? Let me re-phrase it though…

*How can I expect to meet a woman equal to the man I want to be, when I can’t seem to first be that man myself?*

– – – Edit 2/5/2016 – – –

The answer it seems to be, is to find someone who isn’t yet, but wants to be that woman equal to that man… and then grow there together.

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Is Dreaming Too Big For You?

Hey there internet friends, all 2 of you…

Ever liked the idea of spending ten years of your life working at a job with no personal future and no purpose? – No, I didn’t think you did. Why do so many people consider pursuing a dream job as both unrealistic and ‘taking the easy way out’?

Who said anything about it being easy? So many millions of people see their job as a means to an end; a ‘work now, so you can have the money to play later’ type of mentality. Suffering through the week and trying to relax on the weekend. Why? Why spend the majority of your life doing something that you couldn’t really care a flip about?

Taking the easy way out in my opinion is when you set aside dreams because they’re too hard; Then settling for something like working at a burger joint, or in my particular case a few years ago: getting a building apprenticeship. I have bigger dreams then building houses. – Not that being a builder is a small dream…but that for me personally; to become a builder would be taking the easy way out.

Don’t settle for selling shoes, if you’re capable of changing the world. On the other hand, be enthusiastic about selling shoes if it fits into your plan for changing the world. Sounds like another darn cliché, but like many clichés, it’s true. Suck it up.

Dreaming is easy; Pursuing a dream is darn hard going.

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Gap Theory

Whats the point of good intentions? I have a problem that I really don’t understand, I have many great ideas about things to do or create, and yet I see a major gap between my intentions and the end results.

How the hell does this happen to me? I try so hard, I don’t think its for a lack of desire. Its like I’m missing something that I don’t even have a word for. Hang on a second, I’ll make one….”Oomph”

You get that by taking the word ‘life’ and then subtracting half each of ‘passion’, ‘purpose’ and ‘drive’. What you end up with is a seeming lack of ‘Oomph’.

As a ‘grown-up’ human being, what can I do to reduce that gap and regain my ‘Oomph’?

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